Can not trust anyone.

i'm in this situation where i know i've done wrong and i feel completely horrible about it. I feel like a hypocrite. Honesty is what i lived by and yet, i did the exact opposite. i lied. not only that dragged someone else in. I feel horrible. i don't deserve the better place. i know the only person that will understand is you... yet i just glare at your highlighted screen name and i can't double click it to talk to you. Why is it that i can just open up to you and feel like everything will be fine? and now... i'm back in this circle. I'm sorry................................

im scared

I don't know.
I feel like its just happening again.
that feeling of where you feel oh so vulnerable
yet feel oh so safe. its not the first time I've been
familiar with this kind of feeling. I've been through it
before. but i don't know if this is the real thing. or
is it too early to know now? I'm just scared. I'm scared
for myself. That maybe i have to go back to being lonely but
also I'm scared that i won't feel this way again.
i don't know.

Delete

It's 10:59pm and im just sitting here on my floor about to offically quit my Myspace. After having my Myspace for over 4 years, I've really came to a point i got bored of it and all my friends have gone astray from their space to facebook. Before I completely abandoned my Myspace, i decided to go through my friends and comments to just take in what i was about to leave behind. But I don't know why i was drawn to my inbox. It was filled with messages from my best friends to some fresh faces. As soon as i was going a bit further down through my inbox, something caught my eye. A message. It was sent to me just around last year but amazingly, I remember how i felt when i read that message. It literally stopped my heart. It brought me to this vulnerability that i couldn't avoid. Honestly, I didn't know what to do with myself. I was lost, I was hurt, I was a big mess. And the only way for me to get out was to put up my guard. For couple of months, I built my walls around me as high as i can to the point i felt comfortable. But my walls just toppled over by this one message.

Reading this now, I felt the same way when I read that message a year ago. But the thing is its already too late to even reply to this message. Its already too late to get things right. But I still could of tried. I could of, I could of, I could of, but i didn't. Why? Cause I already moved on. I already moved on from that wall i built up, I already moved on from being so vulnerable. I already moved on to better things. I dealt with envisioning you with someone else, i dealt with this shit you put me through, i dealt with really getting over you. And I'm done with you. Just look at me now. I'm grown and wiser AND you can't stop me off my tracks anymore. So, you know what i did with that message? yeah? I just deleted it. like how I just deleted you out of my mind. So, if you will excuse me, I got the rest of my life to live.

Booga

hello. i am bring my blogspot's life, well... back to life. :)

yeah yeah.i know i havent really updated this in awhile. ive just been busy or i found something else other than to blog. hahhaa

so a quick update in my life.

I finally graduated from high school! it ended so quick. but whats so beautiful is that whenever things come to an end, theres always a new beginning. even though it really hasnt hit me that im out of high school and heading off to college soon. but what hit me was realizing all the great people ive met through my high school years. Its just these great people bring out the best in me. and it saddens me i wont see a majority of them in a really long time. but what can i say, im still blessed to meet everyone. But i doesnt really matter who ive known the longest. cause even for the people ive barely met when school ended, it feels like ive known them for years! Im just thankful im so blessed with great people. :)

So, goodbye high school, hello college.

Idk, but something has been roaming around my mind for awhile. but do you ever get that feeling that you left behind something for good & now its somehow pops out of nowhere & reminds you of it? i guess its happening to me. like reminicsing is great, but it just saddens me how great those times were & you just keep thinking about it, and thinking about it. and it just a bummer the more you think about it. Then you start thinking about the what ifs, buts, maybes. But in reality, there is a chance that it won't even happen. It just sucks but things happen for a reason & its all part of the plan right? yeah i know its all part of the past but its just something i can't get out of my mind. im going crazy. man. i needa vent this out. its eating me up. i guess i miss people.

& not ony that, im kinda bittersweet about leaving for korea for the rest of my summer. the good side is that i finally get to go to korea and for the first time, fly on a plane! bad part, everyone is starting college when im still in korea :( blaaaaaaaaah. idk.

welllll im getting tired. and goodbye long hair, which ive grown for a year & a half.
& goood bye world.

Remember?

Its kinda funny how one thing can trigger all these memories. How one little piece inside joke, chill day, or a moment that made you cry your eyes out from laughing out so much it brings that moment back. The brain is like a wonderful treasure box that carries all these memories. sometimes these "treasures" need to be a bit polished to shine again. But each little memory is a gift. The gift that gave you the ability to laugh your ass out. The gift to remember someone. The gift of learning. The gift to recognize the friends that you have. The gift to remember these memories. Its truly a wonderful gift.

But the downfall of memories is remembering the things you don't want to. those certain things that you want to keep on the way bottom of the treasure chest. but somehow it tends to find its way back to the top from time to time. You get theses feelings of hopelessness, shaking your head from side to side just dissappointed of what it could of been. You remember the things that you dearly and a second *snap* gone in a blink. Some treasure that you held onto but later it just slips out of your hands. Or a time that you've been just hurt. a cut right on the heart. It heals up, but you know a bit of the scars are still there to remind you of how you felt. This part is a curse.

Well i've been pretty much done a lot of thinking and a lot of reminicsing. it all started with this whole end of the year, yearbook signing, crying fest, and promises to hang. Idk it just triggered me to think about this. I had some people write in my yearbook and i would go back and read them. It just kinda caught me off guard of how much people tend to get all emotional and nice once they know you'll be leaving. Warms my heart how some people remember the little inside jokes, when we first became friends, or just saying how much they will miss me. It touches my heart. its beautiful. it just brings back so much old memories i had back in the day. Idk to me remembering these memories are like finding that dollar you didnt know you had in your pocket.
so it seems like its a big suprise. its just great. i know ill miss all these people. cuz i really do cherish every single memories i had with these people.

Dang.

Well its been awhile. so might as well update. yeah?

Man. seriously senior year went by so fast. my four years in high school went by so fast. it feels like im in a subway just watching the windows of my years go right by my eyes. things happened so fast. but im just satisfied with what has happened & i am ready to take on anything else thats in my path.

Man throughout these four years ive seriously learned a lot. But most importantly, ive learned to be patient and accept some of the things i don't want to accept. The four years ive lost friends, lost my grandpa, fought with parents, got into so much trouble, fell in love, fell out of love, been hurt, hurt others, been lied to, lied to others, been sad and been so happy, etc... but ive learned that ive grown.

ive grown to be patient. ive grown to respect others. ive grown to carefully choose my words. ive grown to influnce others to go towards a positive direction. ive grown into a better me. i know its kinda retarded how im just realizing this now, but i guess just seeing how things are ending so quickly is making me realize ive been so blessed to have all these experiences. Ive really seen how naive, selfish, and ignorant i can be. Even though at times i can be naive, selfish, and ignorant... but im human. i make mistakes. all i can do is learn from them. ya know?

Throughout my years, ive meet people that changed my life, ive met people who put me down, ive reunited with the people i havent seen in ages, and ive met new fresh faces. its just amazing how i can be blessed with friends that care or atleast touched me in a way. Ive been inspired by the friends that really showed what true friendship is. its not everyday you've come by a person that just accepts you and cherishs you the way you are. Its just all a blessing. haha. now im kinda getting teared eyed writing this... but im just happy to have these people in my life who have made an impact on me. So thank you.

I am blessed that i have my family. I know we've bumped heads, screamed at each other, & etc... ive noticed how much my family has done for me. We had those times where we don't agree on the same things and causes a storm. ok get ready for the cheesey part. After the storm, the sun always shines. I must admit, my mom and I constantly bumped heads and fought nonstop. It was because i was selfish. I only wanted my needs. I wanted. I, I, I! My mom whose been working so hard (also my dad) to pay off my college tutiton. Just seeing them come home late with body aches, loosing weight from stress, etc... It just showed me how much they truly care and love me. They would go through the trouble to work so hard and deal with my shit, all because they wanted what is best for me. I wish i can do all these things for them to show them my graditude. And all i want to do is pay back my parents for what they have done for me. I love my parents. i love my family. And Thank God. Thank you all mighty God for blessing me with my family.


Oh man. its just like a crying fest for me. i feel kinda retarded just sitting here crying while writing this. And i have school tommorow. But oh wells. Well i think ill continue on with this later. .. so to be continued..........


Don't Look Down- David Ryan Harris.
i choose this song for my junior year music project that just gives me hope when i start to give up. & i like this song. so look it up. its a prettty good song. =)