im scared

I don't know.
I feel like its just happening again.
that feeling of where you feel oh so vulnerable
yet feel oh so safe. its not the first time I've been
familiar with this kind of feeling. I've been through it
before. but i don't know if this is the real thing. or
is it too early to know now? I'm just scared. I'm scared
for myself. That maybe i have to go back to being lonely but
also I'm scared that i won't feel this way again.
i don't know.

Delete

It's 10:59pm and im just sitting here on my floor about to offically quit my Myspace. After having my Myspace for over 4 years, I've really came to a point i got bored of it and all my friends have gone astray from their space to facebook. Before I completely abandoned my Myspace, i decided to go through my friends and comments to just take in what i was about to leave behind. But I don't know why i was drawn to my inbox. It was filled with messages from my best friends to some fresh faces. As soon as i was going a bit further down through my inbox, something caught my eye. A message. It was sent to me just around last year but amazingly, I remember how i felt when i read that message. It literally stopped my heart. It brought me to this vulnerability that i couldn't avoid. Honestly, I didn't know what to do with myself. I was lost, I was hurt, I was a big mess. And the only way for me to get out was to put up my guard. For couple of months, I built my walls around me as high as i can to the point i felt comfortable. But my walls just toppled over by this one message.

Reading this now, I felt the same way when I read that message a year ago. But the thing is its already too late to even reply to this message. Its already too late to get things right. But I still could of tried. I could of, I could of, I could of, but i didn't. Why? Cause I already moved on. I already moved on from that wall i built up, I already moved on from being so vulnerable. I already moved on to better things. I dealt with envisioning you with someone else, i dealt with this shit you put me through, i dealt with really getting over you. And I'm done with you. Just look at me now. I'm grown and wiser AND you can't stop me off my tracks anymore. So, you know what i did with that message? yeah? I just deleted it. like how I just deleted you out of my mind. So, if you will excuse me, I got the rest of my life to live.

Booga

hello. i am bring my blogspot's life, well... back to life. :)

yeah yeah.i know i havent really updated this in awhile. ive just been busy or i found something else other than to blog. hahhaa

so a quick update in my life.

I finally graduated from high school! it ended so quick. but whats so beautiful is that whenever things come to an end, theres always a new beginning. even though it really hasnt hit me that im out of high school and heading off to college soon. but what hit me was realizing all the great people ive met through my high school years. Its just these great people bring out the best in me. and it saddens me i wont see a majority of them in a really long time. but what can i say, im still blessed to meet everyone. But i doesnt really matter who ive known the longest. cause even for the people ive barely met when school ended, it feels like ive known them for years! Im just thankful im so blessed with great people. :)

So, goodbye high school, hello college.

Idk, but something has been roaming around my mind for awhile. but do you ever get that feeling that you left behind something for good & now its somehow pops out of nowhere & reminds you of it? i guess its happening to me. like reminicsing is great, but it just saddens me how great those times were & you just keep thinking about it, and thinking about it. and it just a bummer the more you think about it. Then you start thinking about the what ifs, buts, maybes. But in reality, there is a chance that it won't even happen. It just sucks but things happen for a reason & its all part of the plan right? yeah i know its all part of the past but its just something i can't get out of my mind. im going crazy. man. i needa vent this out. its eating me up. i guess i miss people.

& not ony that, im kinda bittersweet about leaving for korea for the rest of my summer. the good side is that i finally get to go to korea and for the first time, fly on a plane! bad part, everyone is starting college when im still in korea :( blaaaaaaaaah. idk.

welllll im getting tired. and goodbye long hair, which ive grown for a year & a half.
& goood bye world.

Remember?

Its kinda funny how one thing can trigger all these memories. How one little piece inside joke, chill day, or a moment that made you cry your eyes out from laughing out so much it brings that moment back. The brain is like a wonderful treasure box that carries all these memories. sometimes these "treasures" need to be a bit polished to shine again. But each little memory is a gift. The gift that gave you the ability to laugh your ass out. The gift to remember someone. The gift of learning. The gift to recognize the friends that you have. The gift to remember these memories. Its truly a wonderful gift.

But the downfall of memories is remembering the things you don't want to. those certain things that you want to keep on the way bottom of the treasure chest. but somehow it tends to find its way back to the top from time to time. You get theses feelings of hopelessness, shaking your head from side to side just dissappointed of what it could of been. You remember the things that you dearly and a second *snap* gone in a blink. Some treasure that you held onto but later it just slips out of your hands. Or a time that you've been just hurt. a cut right on the heart. It heals up, but you know a bit of the scars are still there to remind you of how you felt. This part is a curse.

Well i've been pretty much done a lot of thinking and a lot of reminicsing. it all started with this whole end of the year, yearbook signing, crying fest, and promises to hang. Idk it just triggered me to think about this. I had some people write in my yearbook and i would go back and read them. It just kinda caught me off guard of how much people tend to get all emotional and nice once they know you'll be leaving. Warms my heart how some people remember the little inside jokes, when we first became friends, or just saying how much they will miss me. It touches my heart. its beautiful. it just brings back so much old memories i had back in the day. Idk to me remembering these memories are like finding that dollar you didnt know you had in your pocket.
so it seems like its a big suprise. its just great. i know ill miss all these people. cuz i really do cherish every single memories i had with these people.

Dang.

Well its been awhile. so might as well update. yeah?

Man. seriously senior year went by so fast. my four years in high school went by so fast. it feels like im in a subway just watching the windows of my years go right by my eyes. things happened so fast. but im just satisfied with what has happened & i am ready to take on anything else thats in my path.

Man throughout these four years ive seriously learned a lot. But most importantly, ive learned to be patient and accept some of the things i don't want to accept. The four years ive lost friends, lost my grandpa, fought with parents, got into so much trouble, fell in love, fell out of love, been hurt, hurt others, been lied to, lied to others, been sad and been so happy, etc... but ive learned that ive grown.

ive grown to be patient. ive grown to respect others. ive grown to carefully choose my words. ive grown to influnce others to go towards a positive direction. ive grown into a better me. i know its kinda retarded how im just realizing this now, but i guess just seeing how things are ending so quickly is making me realize ive been so blessed to have all these experiences. Ive really seen how naive, selfish, and ignorant i can be. Even though at times i can be naive, selfish, and ignorant... but im human. i make mistakes. all i can do is learn from them. ya know?

Throughout my years, ive meet people that changed my life, ive met people who put me down, ive reunited with the people i havent seen in ages, and ive met new fresh faces. its just amazing how i can be blessed with friends that care or atleast touched me in a way. Ive been inspired by the friends that really showed what true friendship is. its not everyday you've come by a person that just accepts you and cherishs you the way you are. Its just all a blessing. haha. now im kinda getting teared eyed writing this... but im just happy to have these people in my life who have made an impact on me. So thank you.

I am blessed that i have my family. I know we've bumped heads, screamed at each other, & etc... ive noticed how much my family has done for me. We had those times where we don't agree on the same things and causes a storm. ok get ready for the cheesey part. After the storm, the sun always shines. I must admit, my mom and I constantly bumped heads and fought nonstop. It was because i was selfish. I only wanted my needs. I wanted. I, I, I! My mom whose been working so hard (also my dad) to pay off my college tutiton. Just seeing them come home late with body aches, loosing weight from stress, etc... It just showed me how much they truly care and love me. They would go through the trouble to work so hard and deal with my shit, all because they wanted what is best for me. I wish i can do all these things for them to show them my graditude. And all i want to do is pay back my parents for what they have done for me. I love my parents. i love my family. And Thank God. Thank you all mighty God for blessing me with my family.


Oh man. its just like a crying fest for me. i feel kinda retarded just sitting here crying while writing this. And i have school tommorow. But oh wells. Well i think ill continue on with this later. .. so to be continued..........


Don't Look Down- David Ryan Harris.
i choose this song for my junior year music project that just gives me hope when i start to give up. & i like this song. so look it up. its a prettty good song. =)

Guess who is back?!

Hahaha. okay so its been awhile since i wrote on the blogger. but i just got a tad lazy just writing. but since today is a good day and i feel like writing, so im back =)

so first of all. this weekend was preeeeeeeeeettty fun. =) so let me start off with friday.

Friday, my gosh it took so long to already get to friday! but once school was over, me wand andy went to help out for sadies for a but. And afterwards just got dropped off my house cuz i had work. So, as soon as i step outside of the house, i see like five police cars all lined up around my neighborhood and like all our neighbors are out in front of thier houses. so im like wtf is going on? so i ask one of my neighbors, and he tells me that a guy just 3 houses down from mine, had a gun and was point the gun to this lady in my block. so i was like woah! and then he tells me the police searched his house and he had his handgun and 3 more rifles. so im like WTF?! this is scarrry! cuz the dude has been living here for like 15 years. so i walk past the police car, and the guy is in the backseat of the police car. and im like dude. dont get crazy now. so after that craziness, i went to work. and saw the JV boys play against Damien. hahaha. atleast they kicked ass. Brian was like doing the fist pump and all. hahaha. and zach was tiredd. but its all good. they did pretttty well. =) so i had work. the usual, practically screaming the kids instructions 4382948302943 times and with my oversize blue shirt. -_- oh wells. its cool. then nikki came over and saw me at work, and she left to work on the PF Change pre penny laying thing. so yeah. so after work, i just went to the gym and helped lay down the pennies with nikki =) and i told her about ZEBRA. hahaa. thats a code name =) gah he so cute. OKAY HAHA. so that was practically friday.

SATURDAY: well this was the day of sadies! well i woke up around 7ish? got ready to go beat the record for the fastest time laying a mile of pennies. so me and nikki got there and omg. so much pennies. O_O my eyes were seriously like O_O. but it was cool! and so we started the event and omg. my knees were killing me and i had like 5 lines of pennies to push on a line. wow. talk about like intenseness. but it was fun. =) atleast i contributed to the record. and what do you know? We beat the record by 5 minutes! =D so the class of 09 are world record holders! =D so that was a good day to start with. and i went back home got my stuff for sadies and got ready at nikki's house. and I was full on pirate princess status. hahaha. so we just waiting for everyone to come and took pictures and we went on our way to guppy house. YUM! seriously the best shaved ice ever. it was kinda awkward for me, cuz i was in a full on pirate costume. -_- and everyone is like, whose that crazy girl? LOL. so afterwards we went to cute. and ANDY yells out, HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT THE PIRATE! -___________- andy if youre reading this. -_- lol! anyways. so we took pictures and what not. im kinda lazy to scan right now. So afterwards we met up with Obum. and we went down to sadies! wow talk about a lot of people in a TINY room! omg like seriously it was SOOOOOOOOOOOO Hot in there. and i fit in cuz there were a couple of people dressed in pirates and neon... LOL so it was chill. and lets just say i had a great time with everyone and omg im never dancing in heels again. well maybe i will, but nottttttttt anytime soon. so i afterwards, i went home and seriously KO'd. wow. i didnt care if i didnt shower, i just knocked out!

Sunday: eh. nothing special. just chill at home. =) and talked to bff on the phone and she was getting all like OMG MY BEST FRIEND LIKES A white boy! pshh. =) we shall see!

so thats for my weekend.
Monday just started, and it was one of the few mondays i had that i really liked. everything seemed so chill. =) bah. idk if its me, but im just happy =) jeez!

welllllllllllll.the song imma put is pretty rave girl. since andy got it stuck in my head! =)

I KNOW THIS PRETTY RAVE HER, I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT HER! =)
hehehee. okay well for now, peaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!

Its called the past, cuz im getting past it.

Its been awhile.
I'm just pretty much tired of a lot of things.
im just so sick of school. drama. and just some personal complications.
but everyone has that. Well im pretty much tired and ready to sleep, but i just need some mid-night venting sesh to do. ten things i just want to say.


1) You need to watch what you say. I don't care if its about me youre talking about, but dont talk about the people i love. thats where you have crossed the line. I saw you as a great friend, but all i see now is a person who turned into a total hypocrite. Yeah, you said you would do whatever it takes to make sure im okay, but doesnt look like at all. You only think of yourself. You think what you say is all right. You think. You say. YOU YOU YOU! Never in my life have i met someone so selfish. so cruel. so immature. Im sorry, but this time, if you want me to stick around, you just get your ass over to me to talk to me. If you dont want to bother with me, fine. I can move on. espically with someone who wasn't even that big of a deal to me. Hope youre happy now.

2) I know its been awhile since we've talked and we're pretty much done with. but i still hope youre well. and i still want the best for you. Just because i keep my head down when youre around, does mean i dont see you. trust me, i can hear you -_-. but i just know, i havent been the best friend i can be. Ive said some awful things. And i can't take it back. but i honestly think, youre fine without me. Looks like youre doing good. so lets just keep it this way. thanks for everything.

3) Im just kinda glad we got close again. It still breaks my heard that i almost lost you. thanks for being here.

4) I dont know what happens, but i just happen to smile everytime we talk. idk if its just the fact youre just a great person to talk to or something. but youre really a great friend. i know times right now are tiring and you want to give up. but don't. dont give up. keep going. keep fighting. cause at the end, everything you've been fighting for, is worth it. =) lets go my soullljaa! hahaha

5) I miss the fact that we don't talk as much anymore. I really miss you. I know youre doing well and busy. But i just want to let you know, im just so happy for what you are doing. And i honestly i am happy when youre happy. So stay happy! (: take cares!

6) Im sorry. but it was awkward.

7) I honestly don't know what to say. its just during these past months i felt that there wasn't anything left. I thought you moved on to better things. Better things than me. And that gave me the push to go on and move on. But its just everytime when im about to step out the door, you just hold on to me and telling me not to go. It seriously breaks me apart the fact something is still there, yearning. I honestly want things to go back exactly the way thing were on that day. I tear up everytime i think about it. Not because im sad that is gone, but just how happy i was then when i was with you. But the fact is things have changed. And once our path just split apart into two diffferent directions. I'm sorry. I love you. but i have to go on my own way.

8) I know im not perfect. but believe me. im trying to do whatever it takes to atleast make you proud of me. im trying....

9) I miss you. Its just sad youre not here with us. The whole family misses you. I miss you so much. But i know youre in a better place just looking after us. I'm at ease youre doing well and i know youre in good hands. It just tears me up the fact you remembered me when you didnt remember the rest. And just how you smiled and firmly shook my hand everytime we came by to see you. Its just so bittersweet. But i love you and thank you.

10) You still inspire me till this day. Hopefully i get to see you again. I have so much things i have to tell you.


Yeah.

But i'm le tired.

Well all i have to say is that this week seriously got off to a really bad start.

first of all. im freaking sick. -_-
i haven't been sick in 2 years, and when winterformal rolls up... i get a cold.
like seriously i can't stop coughing and its killing my throat! im like in anatomy class and my throat starts to tickle and i seriously can't stop coughing. -_- and im pretty sure people are like, shut up! so, i try to hold it in. not a good idea. i start to tear up and tears are falling down my face. Camille, Jen, and Dominic are like looking at me if i have some kinda emotional stuff going on. but no. its this stupid cough. ANYWOOS! im still sick. but im getting better! yay.

Secondly, i've had some drama going on.
im not really gonna get into detailed with this. cuz its just something that you don't want to know. End of story.

Thirdly, i'm stressed out.
graduation is getting closer. i need to order my gown and cap, grad nite tickets. T^T which i have NO money for. Seriously, please donate to the Eunice Fund. =) hahaha. I need to get a job cuz im broke. i think im eating too much cuz of this stress. -_- not good. A lot of projects. ah shit. i just remember...i have english to study for -_- BLEHHH! just shoot me in the face. =(

So in conclusion...
I hate this week.

but on the upside, im doing okay in math&gov, since i get the stuff. and i got my acceptance to UCR. coooooooooool. now just waiting for my UCI admission. *fingers crossed* winter formal is this sat. yay. and i am just getting closer and closer to college. =)

Other than that, i hope everyone is having a better week than i am. So happy week to all you munchkins. =)

HEY, you, there!

Anyways. idk i was suppose to go to bed like an hour ago.BUT OH WELLS!
its been awhile since ive updated. but lets get on with this? yeah?

Well things been going pretty well. first week back from winter break. it seemed really long in class, but the week went by super fast! well maybe its because i was overwhelemed with test and projects. -__- so yaaaaaaaaa. well nothing really special about school. but me and my girls found a new hang out/lunch spot. Zen-sation. =) and may i say, they have some ridiculously good milk tea and boba. also crepes. Yuuuuuuuuum. Man. i want some milk tea now. =P Aside from the food, this week has been kinda bittersweet. like even though this week was kinda overwhelmed with a lot of thinking and decisions it was pretty chill. freaking friday night was like a seriously a series of laughing explosions! like omg i couldnt stop laughing once nikki told me she wanted to go tumbleweed hunting. LOL and i just ended up going with her at like freaking 8 in the morning. after that. we stopped by zen to get some milk tea boba. and went on our way to school for my polynesian practice. got it down. nikki picked me up again. and we went to lunch at rolling rice. and met up with kristen there. then we got some udon for caroline, since she was sick, and dropped by her house and we just talked for a bit. and then afterwards, me and nikki went to go paint our nails at her house WHILE watching maid of honor. =) but too bad i coudlnt finish it cuz stupid math project. so she dropped me off at teddy's house. and everyone. and we fooled around for a long time. afterwards we just totally went to work. except chris and rick. lol. then i left around like 6. got home. and i wanted to go to watch the unborn. but coudlnt and i was tirrrrred from waking up so early. so that was just my saturday. Sunday. ill just say it wasnt much fun. -_-

UGH SCHOOL TOMMOROW!
KILL ME NOW! =(

okay. well ill up date later.
AND OH! this has to be the funniest song. well atleast to me.
Listen to it! =)

Hey you there- soulja boy

choices, choices, choices.

i am tired. -___-
I want to go back to winter breakkk! =(

I dont want finals! =(
gah. i had a too good winter break that i dont even want to wake up in the morning.
Blah. oh wells. all im gonna say is, 09 did start out great. excluding school. =)

but some stuff got me thinking again.
& sometimes. that is nottt good. =
But whatevers.

less than 6 months till i graduate! =)
and omg. Feb. is winter formalllllllll!
Ayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee mami. hahaha.

im pretty sure whoever is reading this......
idk. but i feel like im kinda caught in the middle.
Like two paths right in front of you, but you just dont know what to choose.
and something that you really want & need isnt really a great choice
but at the same time its kinda scary that the path that is just too good to be true.
i dont know if you can comprehend, but idk. i feel like im stuck in that situation.
bleh.

anyways. chris is IMing to study for anatomy. sooooo bye dudes.